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2026

Pumpkin Carving Retreat Reflection

Under the umbrella of my insatiable needs is pumpkins. I have no clue why I love them, but I always have. As a child, I asked my mother for a pumpkin for Christmas. She must have felt worse about the situation than I did. At 45, I get it—it’s typical little kid shenanigans to ask for something out of season, wildly popular, or simply beyond what parents can pull off as the one and only gift needed.

This year, the craving hit hard. I went into delivery applications to see which stores still listed fresh pumpkins as available and called to double-check. Because it was the weekend after Halloween, all the local pumpkin farms had already closed. I accidentally drove to the wrong store first, which had zero pumpkins. Realizing my mistake, I stopped for coffee to recaffeinate and track down the right address: Martin’s on Ironwood still had tons in stock of various varieties and colors. I ended up buying a pumpkin to carve, a pumpkin to cook the viral chicken soup in, and a pumpkin for actual pie making.

I took them home to figure out what to do with them, only to realize I didn’t have any matches, a lighter, or candles. Down in the basement kitchen, I searched under the sink and found a box of very nice beeswax candles—the kind where two candles are attached to a single wick. Figuring I needed them lit, I brought them up to the lobby bar and asked the bartender for a light. He didn’t have one either, so he asked a regular named Grady for his lighter. Grady looked at me, asked where I got the candles, and when I replied "under the basement sink," he announced that they were his. He looked slightly panicked that I might have taken the whole box, but I reassured him I had only taken two because they were connected. He laughed, taken aback, but let me keep them.

So, I walked back to my apartment and up the elevator with two lit candles. Then I rested them securely in candle holders, and officially started the retreat.

The Interior Work

I have a decompression prayer chair that I navigate my soul in. It’s never quite the same experience, and the layers of my survivor’s guilt from Hurricane Katrina are multitudes. I did an online retreat over the summer that stripped away several layers, and this retreat focused more on survivor's guilt and learning to listen to why I need to feel God’s presence in my life.

Over the years, a galaxy of chaos has compiled, but it heals a little bit at a time whenever I talk to "the sisters" about it. This particular retreat was presented by the Springfield Dominicans, though I couldn't attend in person, so I followed along online.

Over the years, I’ve tried everything to work through the grief. I kept a journal with one of the Holy Cross sisters who has since passed away, and I deeply trust the prayer super-force of the Erie Benedictines.

I decided to share this because I know there are 1.5 million of us still fighting Katrina survivor's guilt—a pain that is often devalued as unimportant simply because it happened so long ago, even though it rots you to the core. Or it’s a daily reminder of climate change when seasons change or even merely with a gentle rain showering on you. Regardless of what your specific trauma is, I think these retreats help give you your true self back.

While carving, I put the Sacred Heart into the pumpkin because I always ask for it to enter my heart so I don't become hardened to the world. I cut the rays around it because of the Divine Mercy. After Hurricane Katrina, my art went heavily abstract, and I eventually painted a self-portrait just to force something figurative out of me. The painting feels hard—like a human carved out of wood. For all the chest pain someone can experience without having an actual heart attack, I constantly felt like my chest was ripping open from the stress. I painted myself holding my chest open, but hollow.

At the time, I didn't know what the Divine Mercy was, but in the ongoing quest of getting what we need, I was later introduced to the Divine Mercy image and felt a strong desire to refill my soul so I could pour some kind of light back out. Going to Catholic school taught me that asking Jesus for ways to emulate Him is just part of the prayer life, which is why I carved the light rays around the Sacred Heart.

Saints, Courts, and Song

Saint Augustine is the saint I acquired from Mass on New Year's, and Saint Vincent Ferrer is the saint I acquired for All Souls' week. I feel like Saint Augustine’s influence this year has been pushing me to speak more about mental illness and the legal challenges that nobody is ever really fully prepared to deal with, but simply learn as you go. And Saint Vincent Ferrer seemed to aid in pulling this song out of me:

God Calls All Of Us
aimusicgen.ai/share/567d6f9d-0caa-45b3-…

I met a public defender in the gallery of probate court before my trial.
I had absolutely no idea what was happening.
She told me I needed to sit there and be quiet.
She said it was supposed to sting, like alcohol being applied to clean a wound.
So I sat quietly.
When the witness was deposed, I wrote the word "OBJECT" on a piece of paper several times and slid it over to her.
She objected to everything.
I still carry that initial sting.
There were seven more hearings. Different branches of the court. Sometimes a new attorney. Sometimes my assigned attorney. Sometimes an attorney I hired myself.
Trust me...
It's not at all what you think.

When you say that God calls all of us, I think about the things I've been through. My medical history, my lawyers, And everything I've had to do.
I've learned to listen, learned to wait, Learned when to speak and when to stay. I've learned that silence isn't yes, And being still doesn't mean distress.

So when you say it's meant to be, I hope you'll leave some room for me.

If you love someone, you set them free. If you like someone, you negotiate.
You weigh the pros and cons, You calculate.
My love for you is real, My honesty is meant to set you free.
I'm not turning down your blessing, I already know you love me.
(Ooo-ooo, I already know!)

I don't want to hurt you, that's the thing, I know the kindness that you bring. Some people say I'm much too frank, That I should let the truth unfold.
They say don't show your hand too soon, Let things develop, leave some room. But I don't want to play along And find out later I was wrong.

I can receive what you give to me, Without surrendering my liberty.

What's bound on earth, what's bound above, What's loosed in heaven, what's loosed in love?
We give to Caesar what is his, But there's a difference, isn't there?
Everything done in dark will show, There's nothing God does not already know.
The seen, the unseen, all of me, I don't know what else there is to see.

You can tell me what you believe, You can offer what you see. You can tell me God has called, But you cannot answer that for me.
I can say yes without a deal, I can say no and still be real.
My relationship isn't yours to negotiate.

My honesty is meant...
To set you free.
I'm not turning down your blessing.
I already know you love me.
I already know...
I already know...
(Ooo-ooo-ooo...)
I already know.

I wrote this song as a reflection for Catholic Vocation Awareness Week. It’s not that I am entirely a hard no, a maybe, or a yes—I simply come as I am, and I'm not sugarcoating the reality that compulsory creative expression is never going to end. I didn’t know that artists consistently needed legal counsel more than many other fields, but American society is litigious. It’s so intense that even AI models start out dealing with litigation constraints. There are always more ways to think about or look at anything.

From Pumpkin to Light: A Home Retreat on Surrender, Reconciliation, and Transformation

If you want to find some solace and healing of your own, here is the retreat adapted for home.

Step 1: Choosing the Pumpkin — Divine Election

Before making your first cut, look at the pumpkin sitting before you.

The Reflection: Just as you chose this specific pumpkin out of a whole patch, God chose you intentionally to exist,knowing your story before you were even formed.

Scripture: “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit." — John 15:16

The Prayer: Lord, thank You for choosing me, for calling me by name, and for loving me exactly as I am right now.

Step 2: Opening the Top — Surrendering the Mind

Carefully slice a circle around the stem to create the lid.

The Reflection: Removing the top represents opening your mind up to God. It is an act of letting go of your own rigid control, anxieties, and distractions to let His wisdom and grace enter in.

The Prayer: Lord, open my mind. Clear away the noise of the world, drop my stubborn defenses, and fill me with Your divine guidance and wisdom.

Step 3: Scooping the Inside — Cleansing and Confession

Reach inside and pull out all the slimy pulp, tangles, and gooey mess. Take your time scraping the interior completely clean.

The Reflection: The messy, tangled interior represents the hidden weight we carry—the sins, old resentments, inner chaos, and things that clutter our hearts and pull us away from peace. Scraping it clean is a physical mirror of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, where we pull the darkness out into the open so God can wash it away.

Scripture: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." — 1 John 1:9

The Prayer: Lord, reach into the messy, unseen places of my heart. Scoop out all my anger, my doubts, my silent grievances, and the faults I hide from others. Cleanse my spirit and make me new.

Step 4: Carving the Face — Transformed for Grace

Carefully carve your design into the shell. Many Catholics choose to carve a cross, a rosary silhouette, or a peaceful countenance instead of something frightening.

The Reflection: Carving requires sharp, deliberate cuts. It represents how God gently shapes our identity through life's trials, molding us into a new creation that can reveal something beautiful.

Scripture: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" — 2 Corinthians 5:17

The Prayer: Lord, open my eyes to see the needs of others. Shape my words so that they speak truth and kindness,and let my life reflect the form You intended for me.

Step 5: Placing the Light — Indwelling of the Holy Spirit

Drop your candle or tealight into the bottom of the clean shell and strike a match.

The Reflection: A pumpkin cannot glow on its own; it requires an internal flame to pierce the darkness around it. Once your spirit is cleaned out and shaped, God places the light of the Holy Spirit directly inside you so that His peace shines outward to a weary world.

Scripture: “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." — Matthew 5:16

The Prayer: Lord, let the light of Your love burn brightly within my soul. May Your peace shine through the broken or open places in my life, pushing back the darkness and bringing comfort to those around me. Amen.

Posted on : Monday, November 9, 2026